A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you... Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

Remember "I" before "E", except in Heineken.

A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.