Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates...it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
I just new I was in big trouble at work when the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?