Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
A bachelor is a man who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
And Jesus said to John, "Come forth and I will give you eternal life." - John came fifth, so he won a toaster.
Why is it that banks always make it sound like you are so lucky that they have extended your credit limit? I mean it's not like I won a prize, but more like extra bullets for my gun in a game of Russian Rolette...
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. Give a kid a fish, it's gonna die. Have a story ready.
No woman will ever be satisfied because no man will ever have a chocolate penis that shoots out money.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $10.00 at the bowling alley.