Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like an order of Indian food. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.