It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
An optimist invented the aeroplane, a pessimist invented the parachute.
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
Always tell the truth. Then you don't have to remember anything.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.. Then we met.
I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
Some people kiss with their eyes closed. Too bad they marry the same way.