People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard.
In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Doing the job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.
My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
I'm a freelance gynaecologist
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.