Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Smoking helps you lose weight .. one lung at a time!
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
When kleptomania gets really bad, just take something for it.
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'
I'm not a snob. I'm just genuinely better than you are.
Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.