Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. Give a kid a fish, it's gonna die. Have a story ready.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.