To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And it wouldn't kill you to wash your hands in between either.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

Some mornings I wake up grumpy, other mornings I just let her sleep!

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Light travels faster than sound. This why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

College is like a woman: You work so hard to get in, and nine months later, you wish you had not come.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop digging.

If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.