Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts!
Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner
Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it's impossible.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.