I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both: get married!
Have you ever considered how evil a chicken omelette is? They kill the chicken, chop it up and cook it inside their own babies... Too bad it\'s delicious.
One should love animals. They are so tasty.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”
His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?”
