Archive for May, 2010

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he”d found a cat.

She asked if it was dead or alive.

“Dead,” she was informed.

“How do you know?”, she asked.

“Because I pissed in his ear and it didn”t move,” said the child

innocently.

“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher squealed in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ”pssst” and he

didn”t move.”

Collin was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Collin how about Tom Cruise?”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”

So Collin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, “Collin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”

Although impressed, Collin’s boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Collin that he thinks Collin’s knowing Cruise was just lucky. “No, no, just name anyone else,” Collin says. “President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts. “Yes,” Collin says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.” And off they go.

At the White House, Clinton spots Collin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Collin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”

A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.

The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.

The woman says, “Excuse me, sir, but that’s disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I’m going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane.”

He says, “I’m so sorry that I’ve offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze.”

The woman, disarmed by the man’s honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, “Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?”

“Pepper,” he answers.

What’s the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

45 lbs.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can’t stand criticism.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.