All Text Jokes

Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such assholes.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING — When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY — The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE — A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.

A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.

Also, my wife became mother -in-law of her father-in-law.

“Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

“This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife. I’m mystepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I’m my own grandfather!

And you think you have family problems!

Alleged to be an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The

bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times (but word

is still out on whether they took it seriously enough to make any changes).

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to

pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must

have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my

account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the

automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I

admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and

also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the

inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the

manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial

ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our

“Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the “Axis of Evil,” Libya,

China, and Syria today announced they had formed the “Axis of Just as

Evil,” which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North

Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as

having, for starters, a really dumb name. “Right. They are Just as Evil…

in their dreams!” declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. “Everybody

knows we”re the best evils… best at being evil… we”re the best.”

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although

they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

“They told us it was full,” said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

“An Axis can”t have more than three countries,” explained Iraqi President

Saddam Hussein. “This is not my rule, it”s tradition. In World War II you

had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three.

And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool.”

THE AXIS PANDEMIC International reaction to Bush”s Axis of Evil declaration