Text Jokes
Benefits of drinking tea
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue. . . . .
Doctor: “What happened?”
Woman:” Doctor, I don’t know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp….”
Doctor:”I have a real good medicine against that: When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of chamomile tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle”.
2 weeks later she comes back to the doctor and looks reborn and fresh again.
Woman:” Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk I gargled repeatedly with chamomile tea and he never touched me.
Doctor:” you see how keeping your mouth shut helps!!!”
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Portuguese words of the day
The teacher told Nuno to use the following words in a sentence.
1. *Cheese*
Nuno replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.
4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
Tiger Woods
December 4th, 2009 | 
Author: Elsa
Tags: Accident, celebrity, fights, Golf, Husband, Tiger Woods, wives Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide
between the wood or the iron.
We heard that Tiger’s wife has been interested in taking up golf.
However, 2:30am does sound a bit of an odd time to start hitting your
Woods.
Ping just offered Elin Nordegren an endorsement contract pushing her own
set of drivers. They are marketing them as “clubs you can beat Tiger
with.”
News travels fast. The Chinese are already making a movie about Tiger
Woods’ crash. They are calling it, “Scratching Swede, Lying Tiger.”
EA Sports has announced the recall of Tiger Woods 2010 so a new bonus
level can be added called “Tiger VS The Driveway”. A collector’s edition
will be sold with a free Wii steering wheel.
What does Tiger Woods have in common with baby seals? They’re both
clubbed by Scandinavians.
US Economic Stimulus Plan
November 9th, 2009 |
Author: Collin
Tags: Economy, Government, Policy, Tax, United States, Wish I'd Thought of That Sometime later this year, [the US] Taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. The Obama Administration is very excited about this new program. Let me try to explain to you how it works using a simple Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
A day at the races
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs), to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their ‘wee-wees’ to direct the flow away from their clothes.