Text Jokes - Animals

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl.  It is empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?’ he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.  He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.  ’Who’s been eating my porridge?!?’ he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, ‘For God’s sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?  It was Mummy Bear who got up first.  It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.  It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.  It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.  It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen..

There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.

He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, “It’s in his sleeve!”

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, “It’s in his pocket!”

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, “I give up, what’d you do with the ship?”

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn’t often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each.

The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the forest be female. The frog immediately grants this wish.

The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his head.

The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well. This wish is also fulfilled.

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. “It’s not for sale,” said the proprietor.

“Look,” said the collector, “that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I’m eccentric. I like cats that way. I’ll raise my offer to ten dollars.”

“It’s a deal,” said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

“For that sum I’m sure you won’t mind throwing in the saucer,” said the connoisseur. “The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.” “Nothing doing,” said the proprietor firmly.

“That’s my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I’ve sold 34 cats.”