Text Jokes – Animals

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when

they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship

that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, “Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of

our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and

sink.”

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were

swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the

female, “lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the

shore.” At this point, the male whale realised the female was becoming

reluctant to follow him.

“What’s the matter darling?”

“Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse

to swallow the seamen.”

Mrs. Davidson’s dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn’t accommodate her with an evening appointment. Since she had to go

to work the next day, she told him: “I’ll leave the key under the mat.

“Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you the

check. By the way, don’t worry about my Doberman.

He won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, …do NOT under any circumstances

talk to my parrot!”

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson’s apartment the next day, he

discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But,

just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the

repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the

parrot drove him nuts with his incessantyelling, cursing, and name-calling

Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled: “Shut up,

you stupid ugly bird!” To which the parrot replied:

“Get him, Spike!”

Bob took his Saint Bernard to the vet. “Doctor,”

he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to

ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “Bob, why should I do

such a thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow

to spend the holidays, and I don’t want anything

to make her think she’s welcome.”

From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker according to the Wall Street Journal: A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a particularly colorful bird and asked its price.

“Five thousand pounds,” the shop owner replied.

“Five thousand pounds?” the man asked. “Why so much?”

“Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is brushing up on

his German and starting to study English,” came the reply. “With the European Community’s unification due in 1992, he’ll be a great asset.”

“I don’t care about the Common Market,” the parrot fancier said.”What about

that gray one in that other cage?

“The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke Arabic,

Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese — “the languages of the 21st

century.”

“I’m too old to worry about the 21st century,” the frustrated parrot lover

replied. “What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in the corner?

“The brown one”, said the shopkeeper, “was 25,000 pounds.”

“Twenty-five thousand pounds!” exclaimed the customer. “What does he do to

A travelling salesman is in Sydney, Australia when he comes upon a house with a little boy sitting on the front steps.

“Son, is your mother home?” The little boy nods yes.

“Can I see her please?” The boy nods again, and they go around to the back of the house where they find the mother on the ground, humping away with a sheep.

“Son, do you see what your mother is doing?” The boy nods yes.

“Do you know what that is?” The boy nods.

“Doesn’t that bother you?”

“Naaaaaaaaaaaah!”