How can there be self-help "groups"?
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.. Then we met.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex I woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realised I had made it home safely.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, “I love my BMW, I love my BMW.” Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. “My BMW! My BMW!” he sobbed.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, “Sir, sir, you’re bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!”
The lawyer, horrified, screamed “My Rolex! My Rolex!”
