Text Jokes - Male & Female

Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, “I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such assholes.

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man said, “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation.

A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married. Later my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson.

Also, my wife became mother -in-law of her father-in-law.

“Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter, which made him my wife’s grandson That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the prince now dead, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, ‘Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years’?

The Fairy Godmother replied, ‘Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?’

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish,

‘The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.’
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, ‘Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother..’

Fred and Mary got married but couldn’t afford a honeymoon so they go back to Fred’s Mom and Dad’s for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred’s little brother, gets up and has his breakfast.As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, “No”.

Johnny asks, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “I don’t want to hear what you think! Just go to school.”

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

She replies, “No.”

Johnny says, “Do you know what I think?”

His mom replies, “Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go to sport.”

After sport, Johnny comes home and asks again, “Are Fred and Mary up yet?”

A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably getting pissed with his mates.”