Text Jokes - Random

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING — When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY — The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

The teacher told Nuno to use the following words in a sentence.

1. *Cheese*

Nuno replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*

When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*

My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *

My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!

5. *Herpes*

Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*

Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*

I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*

I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

 Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f…ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”

O’Hare Approach Control to a 747: “United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o’clock, three miles, Eastbound.”
United 329: “Approach, I’ve always wanted to say this…I’ve got the little Fokker in sight.”

4 December 1996, Indiana) A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check
the barrel of a muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged
in his face, sheriff’s investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his
parents’ rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting…

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid: So what is the problem? We all use our work telephones…