Text Jokes – Random

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING — When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY — The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE — A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poo in a cubicle. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

Alleged to be an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The

bank thought it amusing enough to publish in the New York Times (but word

is still out on whether they took it seriously enough to make any changes).

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to

pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must

have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my

account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the

automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I

admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and

also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the

inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the

manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial

ways.

You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our

Quick Exercise for the Mind

Carry out this test; it”s quite bizarre. Just follow

the instructions as quick as possible but only one

question at a time-do not carry on reading the

following questions before you finish the previous

one. You do not need to write the answers, just do it

using your mind. You”ll be overwhelmed by the result.

How much is: 15+6

3+56

89+2

12+53

75+26

25+52

63+32

I know! Calculations are hard work but this is the real thing!

123+5

QUICK! THINK ABOUT A TOOL AND A COLOR!

Scroll further to the bottom….

A bit more….

You have just thought about a red hammer, haven”t you?

If this is not the case you are among 2% of the people

who have a “different” if not “abnormal” mind.

98% of the folks would answer a “red hammer” while

doing this exercise. If you do not believe this, pass

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They”re old hat.)

4. Employ the vernacular.

5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

8. Contractions aren”t necessary

9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

10. One should never generalize.

11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said: “I hate

quotations. Tell me what you know.”

12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

13. Don”t be redundant; don”t use more words than necessary; it”s highly

superfluous.

14. Profanity sucks.

15. Be more or less specific.

16. Understatement is always best.

17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be avoided.

21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

The Washington Post’s Style invitational asked readers ot take any word

from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one

letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are some winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright

ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign

of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting

laid.

Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject

financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very, high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who

doesn”t get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It”s like, when everybody is, like, sending off all these

really bad vibes, right? and then, like, the Earth explodes and it”s like,a