The greatest enemy of man is alcohol, but the bible tells us to love thy enemy...... I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."

Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

I'm not weird... weird is Chinese slippers and break-dance pants!

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

It's a small world. So you've got to use your elbows a lot.