I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

A little bit of love goes a long way in our lives. It can provide us with higher highs and lower lows. But, if it comes with a persistent burning sensation, see your physician.

Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Doing the job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings ...... they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.