God created Man, stood back and admired what he created and said “WOW, this is a perfect creation”, then he proceeded to create woman, stood back and said “Oh well, this one will have to wear makeup”.

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

The wise never marry, and when they marry they become otherwise.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.