Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

What's another word for thesaurus?

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.

Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children".

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Some mornings I wake up grumpy, other mornings I just let her sleep!