You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining enough power in the future to wreak revenge on the son-of-a-bitch who screwed us in the past.

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

It's a small world. So you've got to use your elbows a lot.

In the '60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!