Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

They say a smile is a gift, which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.