When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'

Men are always whining about how we are suffocating them. Personally, I think that if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Some people are like Slinkies. . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.