If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!

How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.