They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

When kleptomania gets really bad, just take something for it.

My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses...He drinks straight out of the bottle.

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all people who opposed them.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.