In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."

If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

An erection does not constitute personal growth

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.