Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

The worst thing about accidents, in the kitchen, is eating them.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Turtles can breathe through their butts. - heh heh heh