Needing someone is like needing a parachute, if they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is.

The income tax has made more liars out of people than golf has.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

NASA reports that galaxies are speeding away from earth at 90,000 miles a second. What do you suppose they know that we don't?

A flat will occur when you are without a spare. This will happen after your significant other has reminded you to get one. He/She will be in the car.