In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Brain cells come, and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
It's better to have Loved and Lost than to live with an asshole the rest of your life!
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
College is like a woman: You work so hard to get in, and nine months later, you wish you had not come.