When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of a new car.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard.