Men are always whining about how we are suffocating them. Personally, I think that if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

If women DON'T fool around, and men DO fool around, who are the men fooling around with?

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you... Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.