Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Practice makes perfect..... But nobody's perfect...... so why practice?

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

Ever notice how at the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the Universe are pointed away from Earth?

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.