Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again!

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

My wife is so ugly... A cannibal took one look at her and ordered salad.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'