When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.

If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Ever notice how at the end of every party there is always a fat girl crying.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming----wow----what a ride!!

Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been doing since 15