Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $10.00 at the bowling alley.

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

The most embarrassing thing you can do as a school child is to call your teacher Mum or Dad.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

College is like a woman: You work so hard to get in, and nine months later, you wish you had not come.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

'Work fascinates me', I can look at it for hours.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.