The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.

"Buffet". A French word that means "Get up & get it yourself!"

Why is it that banks always make it sound like you are so lucky that they have extended your credit limit? I mean it's not like I won a prize, but more like extra bullets for my gun in a game of Russian Rolette...

My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Stupidity is like nuclear power, it can be used for good or evil. But you still don't want to get any on you.

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job,and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

My wife is so ugly... A cannibal took one look at her and ordered salad.

I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.