Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming----wow----what a ride!!

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.