Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

Your future depends on your dreams, So go to sleep!

He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming 1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

When something good happens, you drink in order to celebrate, when something bad happens, you drink in order to forget, and when nothing happens, you drink in order to make something happen!

A flat will occur when you are without a spare. This will happen after your significant other has reminded you to get one. He/She will be in the car.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.