I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
An erection does not constitute personal growth
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.