Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying 'No Hard Feelings'

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks. Then when Life isn't looking, give him a quick knee to the groin. That'll teach him.

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?