You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.