Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible, it's impossible.
Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex I woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realised I had made it home safely.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
I date this girl for two years, and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.