At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts!
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.'
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime. Give a kid a fish, it's gonna die. Have a story ready.
An optimist invented the aeroplane, a pessimist invented the parachute.