The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
There's an inverse proportion between your stress quantity and your boss' hours in the office.
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.