I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing; just show me somebody naked.'
Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
I have such poor vision I can date anybody.
Going to war over religion: You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.