My wife is so ugly... A cannibal took one look at her and ordered salad.
A paranoid is someone who knows a little of what's going on.
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere...
My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
It's better to have Loved and Lost than to live with an asshole the rest of your life!