He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My goodness, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
Genetic scientists in the US have used genes from Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzanegger to create a clone and have called it ... Michael Wasanigger.
Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends!
Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.