I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Why doesn't toothpaste ever go rotten?
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.
The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
Some mornings I wake up grumpy, other mornings I just let her sleep!
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
I'm gonna live forever, or die trying.