I can walk on water, but I stagger on alcohol.
When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
When kleptomania gets really bad, just take something for it.
I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
I haven't lost my mind, it's backed up on disk somewhere...
If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.