Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
I'm not weird... weird is Chinese slippers and break-dance pants!
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.
My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses...He drinks straight out of the bottle.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again!
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.