I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.
Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'
God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
I'm not weird... weird is Chinese slippers and break-dance pants!
Fine day for a good workout. Let's steal something heavy.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.