Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known.
If women DON'T fool around, and men DO fool around, who are the men fooling around with?