When something good happens, you drink in order to celebrate, when something bad happens, you drink in order to forget, and when nothing happens, you drink in order to make something happen!

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Genetic scientists in the US have used genes from Michael Jackson and Arnold Schwarzanegger to create a clone and have called it ... Michael Wasanigger.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like an order of Indian food. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow."

I am the same today as I was tomorrow.