It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

People who don't drive, slam car doors too hard.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

'Work fascinates me', I can look at it for hours.

Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.