Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

What are the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home.

Tell a man there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you... Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

Doing the job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.