I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

I'm not a snob. I'm just genuinely better than you are.

I have the body of a god ... Buddha.

I love animals - They taste great!

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

Crime doesn't pay...does that mean that my job is a crime?

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.