Some people kiss with their eyes closed. Too bad they marry the same way.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

I'm not weird... weird is Chinese slippers and break-dance pants!

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.