If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

How come when you first pull the drapery cord the drapes always move the wrong way?

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't.

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

Some people are like Slinkies. . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap.

Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Gargling is a good way to see if your throat leaks.