The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends!

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

Men: On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.

If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.