I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings ...... they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.