In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined.

Woman are like Prawns. Their heads are full of shit, but their pink parts are quite awesome.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.

Always tell the truth. Then you don't have to remember anything.

Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute, if they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget.

Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.