Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants their coffee black.

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

And Jesus said to John, "Come forth and I will give you eternal life." - John came fifth, so he won a toaster.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.