You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!

I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

Remember, half the people you know are below average.