Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL convertible.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left!

In the animal kingdom, the rule is, eat or be eaten; in the human kingdom, define or be defined.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.