I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left!

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.