If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I had a blind date last night. Her name was :. .:: :.: .:. .::.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

There's two theories about arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail if you really tried them.