Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.

I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.