What are the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home.

I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.

Beer - helping white people dance since 1837.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles!

If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.