I was born intelligent - education ruined me.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money.
I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.